


Why stop at the finish line?

by BeStillMySlashyHeart



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-06-10 10:27:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19500922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStillMySlashyHeart/pseuds/BeStillMySlashyHeart
Summary: Episodic Codas from season 4





	1. 4x01

“Hey,” Adrian called softly as he slipped out the back door. Deran blew out a puff of smoke and tilted his head back and turned towards Adrian.

Adrian dropped a quick kiss on his lips before sitting down next to him.

“How was the movie?” Deran asked quietly.

“It was good,” Adrian told him. “Next time I go to the movies, though, I’d rather not sit next to an empty seat.”

Deran huffed but nodded as he took another drag of his cigarette. Adrian smiled and turned in his chair until he could reach across the space between them and play with Deran’s hair. It was starting to get long again and he didn’t hate it. As much as he liked the short hair, Adrian had missed running his fingers through Deran’s longer locks.

“How was your day?”

“Fine.”

Adrian paused for a moment, his hand stopping halfway down the back of Deran’s head, before resuming. Something about Deran’s tone set him on edge. “Everyone okay?” He asked softly.

“Yeah.’ Deran took another drag. “It was fine.”

Adrian said nothing. After a while, he turned in his chair to face the surf. “Ok then.”

He felt more than saw Deran roll his eyes. “Seriously, Adrian, it went fine. No one got hurt.”

Adrian nodded. “But there’s something you’re not saying.”

Deran shrugged his shoulders and took a long drag. Adrian eyed the cigarette closely. Deran had been smoking more and more lately and it was starting to worry him. He only ever smoked this much when he was stressed out but Deran hadn’t talked about anything bothering him lately.

“Deran, you can talk to me.”

“Like you talk to me?” Deran shot back and Adrian flinched. Deran groaned and ran a hand down his face. “Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why did you?” Adrian asked curiously.

Deran finished off his cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray at his feet. “Something’s going on with you, man. You don’t get nervous when you surf, not ever.” Adrian looked away. “You don’t want to tell me what’s going on, that’s fine, but don’t think I don’t know that something’s wrong. Just-” Deran cut himself off as he pushed himself to his feet. He wavered in front of Adrian for a beat before going into the house. “You hungry?”

“Yeah,” Adrian called back softly, not sure Deran even heard him. He closed his eyes and slid down in his chair until his neck was propped up on the back and his butt was almost hanging off the front. He hated being in this position. All he wanted to do was tell Deran the truth but the feds are promised him guaranteed jail time if he told anyone about what he was doing. He knew he could trust Deran but there was still something holding him back. 

Adrian let out a loud groan before standing up and following Deran inside. He found the other man in the kitchen, half of the contents of the refrigerator already piled up on the counter in front of him.

“You’re right.”

Deran paused and looked up at him.

“I don’t get nervous, not usually.” Adrian swallowed. “I’m not ready to talk about why I’m doing so badly but there is a reason for it. And it’s not just that I suddenly suck.”

Deran nodded and leaned against the counter. “Pope is losing his mind. I have no idea what’s going on with him but I can feel him slipping away and it’s scaring the hell out of me. I don’t want to feel that way with you too.”

Adrian crossed the kitchen and gently pried one of Deran’s hands from the edge of the counter and slid in front of him, his back pressed tightly to the counter while Deran warmed his front.

“I’m not slipping away, I promise.” He settled his hands on Deran’s hips and rubbed gentle circles with his thumbs as Deran pressed his forehead to Adrian’s collarbone.

“Craig said you might be losing on purpose because you don’t trust me on my own while you’re gone,” Deran admitted in a quiet voice.

Adrian laughed. He used one hand to lift Deran’s chin until he could press a kiss to his lips. “Craig’s an idiot. I wouldn’t be living here if I didn’t trust you.” He shook his head as he stroked Deran’s cheek. “It’s not about us, okay. It’s- it’s about me. And I promise to tell you about it. Just not right now. Maybe after I get back from Tokyo.”

Deran bobbed his head in a shallow nod, his eyes flitting between Adrian’s eyes and his lips. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Deran nodded. “I trust you. If you want me to know or if it’s important, then you’ll tell me.”

Something ached in Adrian’s chest but he plastered a smile on his face anyway. “Yeah.”

Adrian ducked his head down and captured Deran’s lips in a soft kiss. Deran responded by taking the extra half step separating them and pressing himself firmly along Adrian’s body. 

Just as Adrian was starting to contemplate the logistics of having sex in a kitchen full of food, his stomach growled lightly and Deran broke away with a chuckle.

“First things first,” he laughed. “I’m making dinner.”

Adrian gazed softly at him, slightly out of breath as he slumped against the counter. “Can’t wait.”


	2. 4x02

The bed shifted as Adrian got out. He was clearly trying to be quiet but Deran was a light sleeper. He’d woken up as soon as Adrian threw back his covers. 

He cracked an eye open and peered over at Adrian as he gathered his clothes. He said nothing as Adrian started getting dressed and left the room. Adrian cursed quietly as the fridge door opened with a clang and Deran finally slid out from under the blanket. 

He padded softly into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe, uncaring of his nudity. 

“What’s going on, Adrian?” Deran’s voice was soft but Adrian flinched as if he’d shouted.

Deran crossed his arms unthinkingly as Adrian turned around and eyed him.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Adrian told him.

Deran shook his head. “That’s not what I mean and you know it. Something’s been going on with you for weeks, months even.”

Adrian looked down at his hands, a sure sign that whatever was going to come out of his mouth next was a lie. Deran tsked and looked away from him.

“What?” Adrian asked, defensive.

“Stop lying to me, man.”

“I’m not-”

“Yes you are. And you’re bad at it.” Deran told him, his voice still barely above a whisper.

Adrian opened his mouth but closed it without saying anything. The two men stared at each other across the room. The silence stretched on and suddenly, Deran ached for some clothes to put on. He’d never cared about being naked around Adrian before but something about this made him want to be covered.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

Adrian looked away briefly before fixing his gaze on him. “Because we don’t talk. Not really.”

“What are you talking about?” Deran huffed. “We talk all the time.”

Adrian shook his head. “Not really,” he repeated. “Not about the important things. We can talk about surfing or the bar or Craig all day long but we don’t talk about anything real.”

Deran shook his head to dispel the notion. “Of course we do.”

Adrian huffed and glanced at the clock. “I don’t have time for this right now. I’m sorry for waking you up. You should go back to bed.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

Deran scoffed. “That’s it? That’s all I get.”

Adrian whirled around. “Yeah. That’s all you get. Because I don’t have to tell you everything. I’m allowed to have secrets, Deran.”

Deran nodded slowly. “Seems like you have a lot of those these days.”

Adrian closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. “I’ll be back later,” he promised. 

Deran didn’t reply. Instead, he watched silently as Adrian shoved his feet into some shoes and snatched his keys from the table as he bolted out the door.

The door fell shut behind him with a bang.


	3. 4x03

t was way too early to be up. It was hours until sunrise and not even the two cups of coffee he’d downed had been enough to really wake him up. He was functional but that was about it.

Though, to be honest, the nimble fingers playing with his hair were not helping. After years of it, Adrian had practically conditioned to fall asleep by stroking his hair and now was a very bad time for it.

“Stop,” he whined in a low voice. When Adrian didn’t stop, he jerked his head forward and out of his reach. Adrian chuckled but let his hand fall away. 

“Sorry,” Adrian told him as he shifted in his seat. “It’s just so soft right now. Did you use that new conditioner I bought?” Deran mumbled an agreement. “Good. It’s working.”

Deran flushed lightly and grabbed at his own hair. It was softer than usual. “I thought you liked it short.” He distinctly recalled Adrian commenting that he’d been a fan of the haircut.

He heard Adrian shrug, his shoulders brushing the seat behind him. “I did. It looked good and it was a nice change. But I liked the longer hair better.”

Deran turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Adrian smirked. “Yeah.” He licked his lips. “Better grip.”

Deran choked and jerked the wheel, the car swerving in the lane. It was a good thing it was too early for there to be an kind of traffic or he might’ve worried for the fate of the Scout.

In the passenger seat, Adrian let out a bright laugh. “No but really, the longer hair suits you. Always kind of liked it when you put it back in one of those half bun things. Looked hot.”

Deran filed that away for future reference as he followed the signs to the departure drop off zone. He’d been wavering between letting it keep growing and cutting it short again, unable to decide. Unsurprisingly, he’d just come to the decision that he was going to let it grow.

He pulled into a free spot and parked the car. Adrian hopped out and went around to the back to grab his bag and gear. Deran followed at a more sedate pace. He waited as Adrian settled his stuff on the ground next to him and double checked he had everything. When he was finished, Deran pressed him gently against the side of the car and leaned in for a kiss. Adrian met him halfway, his hands already back in Deran’s hair, his fingers tangling gently in the long strands.

“I’ll be back in two weeks,” Adrian promised softly.

Deran hummed and pressed his lips against Adrian’s one more time. When they separated, he tried to step back but Adrian held him firmly in place, his hands locked around the back of Deran’s neck. 

“Would you do something dumb for me?” Adrian asked, his voice strange. Deran flashed back to their conversation the night before and thought on it. He’d been flippant then but Adrian seemed to want a serious answer this time. And considering his weird behavior the past couple of months, Deran thought maybe he would be put in a position where he had to, in which case…

“Absolutely,” he promised. “I’d prefer not to, obviously, but if you need me to do something dumb and stupid or utterly batshit then I will.”

Adrian nodded, his face serious but conflicted, and pressed a final kiss to Deran’s lips. “I’ll see you in two weeks.” He let go of Deran’s neck and slid out from between him and the car and picked up his bags. 

“See you,” Deran called after him softly. 


	4. 4x04

He really needed to get on the Cody family email blast or whatever it was. There was no other explanation for any of this, honestly.

While Smurf had been a shock, coming in from the beach to find Craig’s giant form bent over the fridge really wasn’t. An annoyance, sure, but not a surprise. Though Adrian was almost positive Deran had said he wasn’t giving Craig a key. The man didn’t need any more of an invitation to show up unannounced, he’d said.

“Craig?” Adrian called as he stepped in the back door. 

“Hey Adrian,” Criag replied without turning around. “Just grabbing a beer.” He closed the fridge door and held up the last bottle of Adrian’s favorite brand. “Good luck in Japan!” He called over his shoulder as he turned around and disappeared out the front door.

Adrian stood there blinking after him. As far as he knew, Craig was supposed to be with Deran setting up for their next job. What he was doing in their house drinking Adrian’s beer, he really couldn’t say. He waited a beat to see if Craig was coming back but when he heard the bike start up and drive away, he closed the back door behind him and headed to the bedroom, sure that that was the last surprise Cody visit of the day.

-

He really should’ve known. Though how he would’ve known, he had no idea. J had never set foot in their house before now and there was honestly no reason for him to. He and Deran didn’t socialize. Their only interactions revolved around the family jobs.

Seeing as Deran hadn’t come back from the latest one, Adrian automatically assumed the worst. “Is Deran okay?” He asked as he stepped into the living room. J’s head popped up as his shoulders stiffened in surprise. Had he expected to find their house empty?

“Hmm? Oh yeah, he’s fine. Job went fine. He had to open the bar.” Adrian wasn’t sure he’d ever heard J’s voice as unsteady as it was. That’s not to say that it wavered in any way but it was distinctly off.

“…are _you_ okay?” Adrian asked when J didn’t move.

J stared at him blankly. “I’m fine.”

Adrian nodded slowly. “Ok. Do you need something?”

“Deran mentioned a blow up mattress? A pipe burst at my place and ruined everything and I don’t really feel like going to Smurf’s.”

Adrian could understand that. “Yeah, I’ll grab it.” He paused. “We do have a spare room if you would prefer that?” He offered almost questioningly but J just shook his head. 

“I prefer my own place, no offense. I just need a dry place to sleep for a few nights while I get everything fixed up.”

“Ok,” Adrian agreed easily. He quickly grabbed the air mattress and a set of sheets and passed them over. J nodded in thanks and fled before Adrian could say anything else.

He watched him go then shook his head and went to bed. At this point, he’d be lucky to catch a couple hours sleep before he had to get up and go to the airport.

-

Someone was in the kitchen. 

Adrian rolled over in the empty bed and grabbed at his phone. The screen read 2:31 am and there was no message from Deran. Usually the other man didn’t get home until well after three, maybe even four, in the morning. If that changed, he’d text Adrian to let him know.

No text meant that the person rummaging through their cabinets wasn’t Deran.

Adrian slipped out of the bed and grabbed the baseball bat from the closet. Deran had no less than four guns between the bed and the kitchen but Adrian bypassed all of them. He hated guns and he hated the idea that he might have to use it on someone. Better that he take the bat; he had no qualms about taking out a kneecap or two.

He crept quietly down the hallway, belatedly realizing he should have put on some clothes but hey, maybe whoever broke in wouldn’t be expecting a naked man wielding a bat and could be surprised enough for Adrian to get the upper hand.

The only light on in the house came from the open refrigerator door. Adrian heard the sounds of someone moving food around and dropping it on the counter, the rustle of the plastic packaging almost enough to cover the intruder’s grumblings.

“None of this food is good,” Adrian heard. “It all needs to go.” There was a thump as something landed on the counter.

Adrian hit the light switch and raised the bat. Across the room, Pope stood up and turned. 

“Oh shit,” Adrian exclaimed when he saw who it was and the bat clattered to the floor. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You shouldn’t sleep naked,” Pope commented. “You could catch a cold.”

Adrian stared at him then looked at all the food he’d pulled out of the fridge. He remembered what Deran had said about Pope working at the bar and decided this wasn’t a battle he wanted to fight right now. 

“Don’t throw out the lasagna,” he told Pope as he turned around. “And lock up when you leave!” He called as he left the room.

Before sliding back into bed he shot off a quick text to Deran.

_[2:36 am: Change the fucking locks. If one more member of your family breaks in I’m getting a guard dog]_


	5. 4x05

He heard yelling from inside but it didn’t register beyond telling him that Deran was here. 

Adrian threw open the back door. “Deran!” He yelled as he entered the bar.

All four Cody boys stopped talking and turned to look at him. Adrian fixed his eyes on Deran and ignored the rest. “I need to talk to you. Now.”

Deran crossed the room quickly. Adrian could feel his eyes roving over his body as if to see if he was hurt but he didn’t let himself focus entirely on Deran just yet. This was not a conversation that was meant for every Cody. 

After a beat wherein Deran reached Adrian and replaced his eyes with his hands, rough fingers grazing over his chest and arms before stilling on his hips, Pope grabbed both J and Craig and steered them outside. Adrian waited until he heard their engines start before he looked at Deran.

His face was lined with worry though his eyes were guarded. “What’s up?” Deran asked softly.

Adrian stared at him, soaking in his concern while he still could. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before steeling himself. “You were right. Jack got me caught months ago and I’ve been working with the DEA to bring him and his suppliers down in exchange for no jail time. Today, the agent I was working with basically ripped up the deal and said now I could qualify for a reduced sentencing so long as I cooperate with Detective Pearce of the state police to bring down your family.”

Deran let go and took a step back, his face utterly blank.

“I didn’t tell them about you, the agent met me at the beach before I left for Japan and he saw you with me. I tried to play it off like you were just my roommate but somehow he figured out we’re more than that.” Adrian rushed to add.

“I gave a statement to a judge today regarding the smuggling but that’s it. Pearce wants me to meet with him the day after tomorrow to discuss your family and maybe rework my deal.”

“You’ve been talking to the feds?” Deran asked, his voice low.

“About the drugs I smuggled for Jack,” Adrian admitted. “Nothing else.”

He took a step towards Deran only for Deran to take a step back. Adrian’s hand fell listless between them.

“Deran, I swear. I never said a word about you or your family except when the agent asked me who you were after he saw us talking. I told him your name and that you were my roommate and that is it. That’s all, I promise you.”

Deran stared at him before turning and wiping a hand over his face. “Fuck!” He yelled, his voice echoing in the empty bar.

Adrian waited while Deran paced back and forth. It was a nerve wracking few minutes and he ached to reach out to Deran but he knew he couldn’t.

“Okay,” Deran said eventually, his voice rough. “I already talked to Jack and told him to leave you out of his operation.”

“You did what?!” Adrian yelled. 

Deran glared at him. “I was trying to help. I didn’t know you needed to stay in so you could bring them down because _you wouldn’t tell me anything_.” Deran put his hands on his hips. “We need to get you a lawyer.”

“I don’t want your-”

“I swear to god if you say you don’t want my money or my help I might punch something,” Deran warned. “You’ve got a problem with the house or the cash fine but we’re talking about you spending the next couple of decades behind bars so suck up your pride and let me help dammit.”

Adrian’s jaw snapped shut.

“The DEA offered you a deal, right? Your cooperation for full immunity?” Adrian nodded. “We’ll see if we can get that back on the table for the smuggling.”

“They want you Deran. You and Smurf and the rest of your family.” Adrian’s voice was quiet. “They won’t let the smuggling go until I give them something. It’s their only leverage.”

Deran shook his head. “We’ll get you a lawyer. A good one.”

Adrian nodded. “I did have an idea. Not sure how you’re going to like it though.”

Deran waved him on when he didn’t continue. “Well? What is it?”

Adrian licked his lips and rocked on his heels. “We get married.” Deran’s jaw dropped slightly as he gaped at him in shock. “I can’t give over evidence or testify against you if we’re married.”

Silence.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”


	6. 4x06

“I love you.”

Adrian’s heart clenched at the words. Deran had never said them before and to hear them now, in the midst of the shitstorm he currently called his life, was not ideal. But still-

Adrian tangled his fingers in the hair at the back of his neck and tugged Deran that last inch closer and sealed their lips together. Deran’s hands were tight on his hips, his grip almost desperate as he kissed Adrian back.

“I love you too,” Adrian breathed into Deran’s mouth when they separated. At some point, they’d stepped backwards under the spray and the water was spilling down their faces but Adrian knew Deran heard him. His eyes closed and his body sagged almost in relief. Adrian quickly wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him flush against him, Deran’s face settling in the crook of his neck.

They didn’t say anything else after that, no other words were needed as Deran started to pepper his shoulder and collarbone with tiny kisses. As Adrian let his hands start to wander, Deran moved upward, pressing sucking kisses along his neck and jaw until he reached Adrian’s lips. It was like he was possessed all of a sudden. Where moments ago, Deran had been lax in his arms, now he was on fire and Adrian could only try to keep up. 

The water was still running hot when Adrian’s blood turned cold. He’d finally reached for Deran’s cock only to find it totally limp.

In an instant the mood turned. Where seconds before, Deran had cradled his skull, now he held Adrian’s face in a firm grip. Adrian swallowed when Deran pulled back enough for him to see his face. Deran was trying to so hard to keep his mask up but he was failing. Adrian could see the pain and turmoil written across his face and he _knew_. 

Deran pulled Adrian forward until his forehead rested against Deran’s, the water once again spilling down their faces. Both men ignored it, their eyes locked on each other as Adrian braced himself on the wall behind Deran.

“I’m going to ask you again,” Deran told him softly, his hands starting to shake around Adrian’s head. “And please, _please_ , don’t lie to me this time.” He turned his head slightly and their heads rubbed together awkwardly. Adrian had only ever heard Deran plead once before and he had hoped sincerely to never hear it again. “Are you talking to the cops? Has anyone approached you about turning on us?”

Adrian squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look at Deran right now. He’d lied the last time Deran asked and they both knew it. “Deran,” he started.

“ _Don’t_ ,” Deran cut him off, his voice wavering as his grip tightened and he pressed his forehead to Adrian’s harder. “Don’t lie to me.”

Adrian tried to pull away but Deran held him tight. “Deran, let go.”

“Just tell me.”

“Let go.”

“Tell me!” Deran shouted as he pulled away far enough to look him in the eyes. Adrian’s heart broke at the sight before him. The water from the shower was running down Deran’s face and it was almost enough to disguise the tears. Almost. “Just tell me now, please. Don’t lie to me anymore. I can’t-”

Adrian nodded in spite of himself. “I talked to the DEA. I get a plea deal in exchange for info on Jack and his operation.”

Deran nodded, his jaw clenching. “How long?”

“It was supposed to be full immunity,” Adrian admitted with a scoff. “But they changed it on me. Now I might go down for five years. If I want my immunity deal back they want you.”

Deran closed his eyes as his body slumped. His hands fell away from Adrian’s face and suddenly he ached to have them back.

“Deran-” he reached for him and Deran didn’t move away. He didn’t react at all, really.

“You wear a wire? They got the house tapped?” Deran’s voice was dead and Adrian couldn’t stand it.

“No,” he said firmly. “I told them nothing. I said you were just a guy who owns a bar, that you hate your mother and you have nothing to do with her. Okay? I didn’t tell them shit about you, Deran. I wouldn’t do that.”

Deran sniffled, the sound cutting straight to Adrian’s heart. “Then why lie about it? If you didn’t say anything, why not just tell me the truth? I fucking asked you point blank and you _lied_.”

Adrian nodded slowly. “Pope killed Cath. Smurf thought she was talking so Pope killed her.”

Deran shook his head and opened his mouth to deny it but Adrian cut him off. “You and Craig might be oblivious to some of the crap Smurf pulls but she makes sure everyone who might be in a position to turn on her knows the cost. I ran a business out of one of her properties, Deran. I was involved with you. She made sure I knew the cost of betraying her. Pope killed Cath.” He took a deep breath. “And Cath never said a word. She told the cops to fuck off too but it didn’t matter. The second word got out that Cath had even _spoken_ to a cop, she was dead. I couldn’t take that chance. I am hanging on here by a thread and I just-”

“Do you think I would let that happen? Do you think for a second I would let Smurf or Pope hurt you?” Deran straightened, the fire back in his eyes.

“Smurf? No. But are you honestly saying you’d go against your own brother for me?”

“I just killed Colby for you!” 

Adrian flinched backwards. “What?”

Deran ran a hand through his hair. “He knew you were working with Jack and was real suspicious about how you didn’t get picked up with everyone else. He threatened to tell Jack’s suppliers who the rat was.” Deran’s voice was hard. “He was my friend and I shot him and I’m waiting to regret it, to feel awful about it, but I don’t because it’s gonna keep you safe!” Deran stepped back into Adrian’s space. “I love you. You’re my family. You think I won’t protect you against anyone? Even Pope? You’re out of your mind.” He cupped the back of Adrian’s head again, his grip firm. “Now you can go to the cops and tell them that, I won’t stop you. Or you can not. What’s it gonna be?”

Adrian stared at him. There was a storm raging inside of him, made of horror and confusion and fear and a lot of other things he couldn’t identify. Deran stood in front of him, his face open and unguarded while he waited for Adrian’s decision.

Adrian surged forwards and captured Deran’s lips in a fierce kiss, his momentum carrying them forwards until Deran’s back slammed against the wall. He wasn’t sure what to do with the knowledge that Deran killed someone for him but he did know that he wasn’t going to repay the favor by turning him in.

For better or for worse, Adrian had made his decision and it was Deran Cody. 


	7. 4x07

“Just like that?” 

Deran froze. “Yeah…” he replied slowly. “I never wanted you to leave.”

Adrian nodded and took a step towards him. “Maybe I should stay here for a night.”

“What? No. Why?” Deran’s careful mask faltered and Adrian caught a glimpse of what hid behind.

He shrugged. “You just said it yourself, you can’t trust me. Do you really want me in your home right now?”

Deran stared at him. “It’s _our_ home. Of course I want you there.”

Adrian closed his eyes. There were years where he prayed for mere scraps of Deran’s affection and now he was getting more than he could’ve ever dreamed and it all felt wrong. “Deran…”

A warm hand cupped his jaw and he opened his eyes. “Why’d you leave? I didn’t want you to leave.”

“You got up and left without a word. You didn’t answer my calls all day and I never call so you knew it was important. What about that was supposed to make me think you wanted me to stay?”

“Jesus, Adrian, I needed some space. To think and to process and to figure out how to deal with this. But I didn’t want you to _go_.” Deran’s voice broke slightly on that last word and Adrian couldn’t help but kiss him softly.

“I told Pearce I wasn’t going to say anything, that I was willing to do the time,”

“Fuck, Adrian, no. You can’t go to prison, you’d-”

“Yeah,” he laughed harshly, “he said that too. Didn’t seem like he was going to take no for an answer. He really wants your family, Deran.” He stroked Deran’s hair. “Maybe it’s best if we take a break and I get some distance from you. That way there’s nothing for me to tell and he might lay off.”

Deran started shaking his head before he even finished speaking. “That’s not going to work and you know it. This isn’t going to make it all go away, Adrian. Splitting up won’t do shit so fuck that.” He gripped Adrian’s neck and squeezed gently, his grip an echo of their shower the night before. “I don’t want distance. We’ll figure a way out of this, okay? Together. But first you gotta come home.”

Adrian pressed another kiss to his lips and backed away. “And what about Pope?”

Deran’s body went rigid. “I already said Pope can never know about any of this.”

“What happens if he does? I’m a terrible liar, Deran, everybody knows that. He may not know what I’m lying about but he’ll figure it out. He walked in on me packing for fuck’s sake. He knows something’s going on.”

“I told him I cheated on you,” Deran told him. “That that’s why you left.”

Adrian scoffed. “Like he bought that.” Deran almost looked offended and Adrian smiled. “You’re not going to cheat on me, Deran. And Pope’s not stupid enough to think that you are.”

Deran looked away, his foot scuffing at the ground in mild embarrassment.

“We can try to keep that up,” Adrian offered. “But it might just be safer for me to stay away.”

“Do you want to?” Deran asked, his voice suddenly small. “Are you just using last night as an excuse to leave me?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Are you sure? Because you don’t seem like you want to come home with me.”

Adrian stared at him before surging towards him and kissing him fiercely, Deran forced to take a step back from the impact. Adrian kissed him thoroughly before breaking away to breathe. “I love you. And I want nothing more than to come home with you, but I am trying to be smart about this. I don’t want to put you between me and your family, Deran.”

“You won’t,” Deran told him. “I already made that choice.”

“What are you talking about?” Adrian’s brow was furrowed but Deran brushed him off.

“Doesn’t matter. Just know that I made my choice and I chose you. Whatever happens, with Pearce or with Pope or even Smurf, I chose you. I choose you.”

Adrian stared at him in wonder before kissing him again.

“Adrian?” He pulled back at his sister’s voice. Deran ducked his head into Adrian’s neck as he turned towards the door. Jess was propped up against the frame, no baby in sight. “I take it you don’t need the guest room tonight?”

“Uh-” Adrian tried, unwilling to answer her.

“No, he won’t,” Deran replied for him. Adrian glared at him, Deran meeting his gaze head on, before he nodded. 

With a slight eye roll he turned back to Jess. “Yeah, I’ll just get my stuff.”

Jess huffed and rolled her eyes but he saw a smile on her lips as she turned around and disappeared around the corner. She reappeared a moment later with three bags in her hands which she dropped on the porch. “The other one’s heavy so you can get that yourself.”

Adrian smiled and pulled away from Deran. 

“I’ll get these into the truck,” Deran told him and he shot him a smile as he followed his sister into the house, the door closing behind him.

“Jess?” He asked when he saw her standing with her arms crossed.

“Are you sure?” She asked. “I know you don’t want to tell me what is going on but you came here for a reason Adrian.”

Adrian pulled her into a hug and pressed a kiss to her hair. “Thank you for letting me stay but I need to go home. I want to work this out with him and I can’t do that if I’m staying here.”

Jess looked up at him, her arms tight around his waist. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” She pulled away. “You know the spare room’s always available if you need it.”

“Thanks, Jess.”

She hummed and jerked her head towards the room. “Go get your stuff. I gotta put the baby down and I don’t want you waking him up.”

Adrian smiled and kissed her head again before hurrying off to do as she said. In a few short minutes he was back outside and in the Scout, all of his bags safely tucked away in the trunk.

“Let’s go home.”


	8. 4x08

He winced as he pressed the rag against another cut. _Shit_ , _maybe he should’ve gone to a hospital after all_. The cuts were the least of his concerns really. His entire left side felt like it was on fire and he was half afraid to take off his clothes and see what it looked like.

There was a soft touch to his forehead and Deran jerked his head away, closing his eyes against the pain as his neck protested.

“Don’t.” It came out harsher than he intended but he didn’t really care. 

Adrian pulled his hand back slowly, his body settling back onto the table. Deran looked at his face for only a moment before he had to look away. Adrian’s face was etched with concern but also fear. 

“What time does Livengood leave in the morning?” He asked.

“Deran-”

“What time?” He cut him off. 

Adrian sighed. “Around seven. Earliest this week was just before and the latest was 7:15.”

Deran nodded, adding the timing to the mental schedule he’d built. He still wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to do with all of this information but he wanted to be prepared for whatever he decided. He’d been blindsided too many times lately to not be paranoid.

His left leg started cramping up and Deran knew there was a running clock on how long he had before he wouldn’t be able to get off of the couch. Trying to contain his pained groans, he started to lever himself up but he only got a few inches before his left arm refused to hold his weight and he collapsed back down with a muffled shout.

Instantly, Adrian’s hands were on him, his touch gentle and timid. “Shit, what’s wrong?” His worry was evident in his voice and Deran just wanted to cry. The past week he’d been keeping Adrian at arm’s length, unable to really let himself trust the man, but Adrian was still here. He wasn’t going anywhere and no matter how much Deran knew he hated what he was doing with Livengood, he was doing it. And fuck, Deran just really wanted his boyfriend, okay?

“The truck hit my left side,” Deran admitted with a grimace. “I don’t think I can get up.”

Adrian’s hands stilled. “Do you want to?”

“I need,” he shifted. “I need a shower. And a fuck ton of drugs.” Adrian didn’t move and eventually Deran cracked an eye open. Adrian was frozen above him, his hands hovering over Deran but not quite touching him. His eyes roved over his body like he could see through his clothes to the bruises beneath.

“Well?” Deran grunted.

Adrian’s eyes flicked up to meet his. “Well what?”

“Are you going to help me or not?” He huffed.

Adrian’s eyes widened. “I didn’t realize that was a cry for help,” he remarked, his hands settling again on Deran. This time he pulled Deran’s right arm over his shoulder while his left went to Deran’s waist. “You pulled away from me the last three times I tried to help,” he rebuked gently.

Deran didn’t bother answering, instead focusing on not passing out from the pain as Adrian hauled him up to his feet. He wasn’t sure why everything suddenly hurt so much when he’d been fine earlier but he didn’t have the strength to question it.

“Come on,” Adrian’s voice was soft. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Shower,” Deran objected, grunting as he put a hand on the doorframe to the bedroom. 

“You can’t stand up,” Adrian told him, as if it had somehow escaped his attention.

“I don’t want to get blood in our bed,” Deran admitted softly. He couldn’t see Adrian’s face but he felt his arms tense slightly before they were changing direction and heading for the bathroom. 

Adrian propped him against the sink before fingering the hem of his shirt. Slowly, he inched it up Deran’s body until Deran groaned loudly. “Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” Deran hunched forward, his head pressing against Adrian’s chest as he right arm wrapped protectively around his ribs. 

Adrian nudged him back until he could stand on his own power, well his own power and the sink. He was only gone for a minute before he reappeared with the kitchen scissors in hand. 

Deran closed his eyes but nodded as Adrian started cutting away his shirt. He went slowly, making sure not to cut Deran, but in short order he had Deran topless. 

There was a sharp inhale and Deran opened his eyes to see Adrian’s face twisted in horror. He tried to look down but his neck protested. All he could make out was some mottled bruising taking up over half his chest.

“Pants,” he whispered, getting Adrian’s attention. Adrian blinked then nodded and somehow cut Deran’s pants off of him. From the way he touched Deran’s hip, his lower half wasn’t any better than his top.

The scissors clattered on the counter next to him as Adrian dropped them before cupping Deran’s face and kissing him softly.

Deran let out a surprised noise but couldn’t help but respond. It had been over a week since they’d kissed and he’d missed Adrian.

“I could’ve lost you,” Adrian whispered when he pulled away. “Fuck, Deran, I really could’ve lost you today.”

“You didn’t.” Deran blinked against the wave of emotion coming over him.

“It was close, though,” Adrian argued. “Too fucking close.”

Deran opened his mouth to say something but Adrian chose to pull him into his arms instead, careful movements guiding Deran into the shower. The hot water felt almost as good as the pressure of the shower stung. He quickly lost himself to the dichotomy of pain and pleasure, his nakedness and Adrian’s wet clothes as he held him.

He vaguely remembered the shower turning off and Adrian toweling him dry before getting him into the bed but by then his body was hurting too much for him to really focus. 

“Is he okay?” He heard a woman’s voice ask after a while. 

“Not right now, but I’m hoping he will be.” That was Adrian. But who was he talking about?

There was a lengthy pause before, “And Craig?”

“I don’t know. He could probably use someone to check on him, though.”

Deran didn’t hear anything else before the front door closed and Adrian was in front of him. His hands cupped Deran’s head and shoulders and pulled him up into a half sitting position, apologizing when Deran moaned.

“Take this,” Adrian urged, his hand appearing before Deran’s eyes, two white pills nestled in his palm.

“What is it?” 

“Renn said it would help with the pain.”

Deran took the pills and tossed them in his mouth, a quick sip of water from the bottle in Adrian’s other hand washing them down. Far be it from him to argue drugs with Renn. He may never know what he took but he trusted that it would do what she said.

Whatever it was, it worked _fast._ Deran was already feeling the effects as Adrian eased him back onto the bed, the pillows arranged around him to keep him comfortable. 

Deran felt him move away and shot out an arm to stop him. He groaned in pain but didn’t let go of Adrian’s wrist. “Don’t go.”

Adrian grabbed his wrist and gently pried his own arm free. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Deran didn’t know how long he was gone but he blinked and suddenly Adrian was on the bed in front of him, his arms wrapping gingerly around Deran. Deran shifted until his head was pillowed on Adrian’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“What are you sorry for?” 

“I lied to you.”

There was a pause. “Yeah well I just spent months lying to you. I figure it’s your prerogative to lie to me all you want.”

“I don’t want to lie to you,” Deran admitted, his words barely above a mumble now. “I just want you to be safe. Right now, I don’t know how to do that.”

“Deran,” Adrian’s voice was soft. “You don’t have to protect me. It’s my turn to protect you.”

Deran shook his head slightly. “It’s my job to keep you safe. To keep you here. With me.”

“Deran-”

“I’m sorry I’m making you do things you don’t want to but I can’t do it all by myself and I can’t tell my brothers so it’s gotta be you.”

“Hey,” Adrian said softly as Deran felt him press a kiss to his forehead. “You need to rest. We can talk about this when you’re feeling better, okay?”

Part of Deran recognized that Adrian was trying to give him an out. With the (wonderful, truly truly magnificent) drugs in his system, his tongue was looser than he liked. But he couldn’t care right now.

“I love you,” he told Adrian. “I don’t want to lose you. No matter what it takes.”

Adrian didn’t respond right away. His hands brushed along his side soothingly and soon enough Deran was drifting off to sleep.

The last thing he remembered hearing was Adrian’s response, “I love you too,” though his voice sounded sad.


	9. 4x09

Deran laid sat gingerly on the couch, Adrian eyeing him worriedly from across room.

“Renn had the baby,” Deran announced. “She says she thinks it’s Craig’s but she’s not sure.”

“Huh,” Adrian replied. “Are we surprised?”

Deran snorted. “Kid was 11 pounds.”

Adrian swore lightly but a smile played at his lips. “I don’t know if I should tell her congratulations or condolences. It’s gotta be Craig’s though.”

Deran closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch, a hand pressing lightly at his sore ribs. 

Something cold pressed against his hand and Deran’s eyes shot open to find Adrian bent over him, an ice pack in hand as he laid it against his side, Deran’s hand folding over it to keep it in place. Deran hadn’t even heard him move.

“You should be resting,” Adrian chided lightly as he sat back on the coffee table. 

Deran made a noncommittal noise. Sure, resting would be smart but he didn’t have the time to just lay around waiting for his body to heal. They had a bit of a ticking clock hanging over their heads, after all.

His fingers twitched as he thought about reaching for Adrian but something stopped him. Maybe it was the way Adrian was curled in on himself. Maybe it was the fact that they’d barely touched in weeks. Deran wasn’t even sure which of them was holding back at this point. 

“Tell me what to do,” he begged quietly. Adrian’s shoulders tensed and his head shot up.

“What?”

“I followed Livengood today and I was gonna- but I didn’t,” he shook his head. “I just- and then Pearce came to the bar and offered me a deal. I talk and you walk.”

“Deran, no. You can’t.” Adrian’s eyes were wide open.

Deran just looked at him. “What do you want me to do, Adrian?”

Adrian’s eyes turned sad, his shoulders suddenly drooping. “I want you to let it go. Let it play out as it needs to. This is my mess and I’m gonna face the consequences of it. You shouldn’t get into trouble for it.” _For me_ was unsaid but Deran heard it loud and clear.

He huffed lightly. “See that’s a problem.”

“It’s really not. Just- focus on your family, Deran. Forget about me and my problems. Your brother just had a kid, he’s gonna need you.”

Deran shook his head. “You’re my family, Adrian. And I can’t just sit on my ass and do nothing. That’s not an option.”

Adrian made some kind of strangled noise. “You can’t just say that, Deran.”

“Why not? It’s the truth,” Deran was suddenly done beating around the bush. “I love you. So fucking much. And I literally can’t not help. I can’t just let you suffer for this.”

“For what?” Adrian asked helplessly. “For my own fuck up? You absolutely can let me pay for it.”

“Either I get Livengood off your back or I talk to Pearce or you take the fucking lawyer. I don’t care but I’m going to do something. Just- just tell me which one.”

“I don’t- Jesus, Deran. You can’t give me that kind of choice.”

“Or you can let me decide and I’ll do it my way but I don’t think you’d like my way so I want to leave it up to you.”

“Deran-” Adrian sighed and cut himself off. “I’ll take the lawyer.”

Deran closed his eyes and let out a breath of relief. “Yeah?”

“I don’t want you threatening any cops or turning on your family so yeah I’ll take the fucking lawyer.” Adrian glared at him which Deran found oddly hilarious. Stupid man was _mad_ at Deran for helping him.

Now he did reach out and grab Adrian’s hand. “We’ll get through this, okay? We’ll get your deal back on the table with Livengood and then we’ll just tell Pearce to fuck off. Once the DEA charges are dealt with he won’t have any leverage.”

Adrian slowly tangled their fingers together. “And if Livengood won’t put the deal back on the table?”

“Then I’ll protect you.”

“Deran-” Adrian sighed.

“I love you,” Deran told him again. 

“Sometimes I’m not sure I want you to love me,” Adrian admitted quietly. “It can be too much, the things you’ll do for me.” Deran tried to pull his hand back but Adrian held tight. After a beat of staring at their hands, Adrian raised his eyes to meet Deran’s. “But fuck if I don’t love it. I mean for fuck’s sake Deran I’ve been in love with you since we were 15. It’s just- strange to hear you say it. To hear you talk about everything you’d do for me. I love it and I love you but it scares me sometimes too.”

Deran decided to deal with that little revelation later and instead focused on the fact that Adrian had just said that he loved him. Sure, Deran knew, it wasn’t like Adrian was a great liar or anything, but the other man had never actually _said_ it before. He tugged gently on their joined hands until Adrian lifted off of the coffee table and bent over Deran, his free hand bracing himself on the back of the couch but Deran’s head.

Deran didn’t have an arm free so he just tilted his face upwards and waited for Adrian to do the rest. He didn’t have to wait long, Adrian’s lips pressed warmly against his only a moment later. 

“I’ll call a lawyer first thing,” he promised when they separated.

Adrian sighed and rolled his eyes a little but nodded.

Deran nodded back and lifted his face again in a silent request for another kiss that Adrian quickly obliged.


	10. 4x09

Deran slowed his steps as he approached the door. He peered around the doorway cautiously, afraid of causing too much noise in case the form on the bed was sound asleep.

He needn’t have worried though. Tired eyes met his and the lips below curved upwards in a small smile.

“Hey,” Deran greeted softly.

“Hey,” came the equally soft reply. 

“How are you feeling?”

A snort. “Tired. Sore. Cranky. Take your pick.”

“Happy?” Deran asked with a smile.

The smile he got back was blinding. “Yeah. That too.”

Deran hesitated in the doorway, his feet scuffing the floor as he dithered.

A sigh. “Come here and say hello.”

Deran ducked his head but entered the room fully and made his way over to the bed.

There was a chair next to the bed and he sank into it. There was shifting on the bed and then suddenly Deran had his arms full.

“Shit,” he whispered as he stared down at the bundle. 

“Yeah,” came the breathy reply.

He looked up. “You’re sure?”

Renn leveled him with a glare. “I wasn’t before he was born but not many guys would put an eleven pound baby in me.”

Deran grimaced but Renn just laughed tiredly. She reached out and grabbed the baby’s hand and waved it in the air slowly. “Say hi Uncle Deran.”

Deran snorted. “Hey squirt,” he replied gamely. He looked up at Renn. “Figure out a name yet?”

She shook her head. “I had a bunch of ideas but I haven’t settled on anything yet. I read somewhere that sometimes when the baby’s born you just _know_ and I was hoping that would happen but it turns out that was just a crock of shit.”

“Where’s Craig?” Deran had gotten a text from him an hour earlier but there was no sign of him here.

“I sent him out for supplies.”

“Supplies?”

“Chocolate. And coffee. Do you know how long it’s been since i had coffee?”

Deran glanced at the dark sky out her window. “You know what time it is?”

“Time for Momma to get her java,” Renn replied. “I’m so exhausted it won’t even matter, honestly. I just miss it.”

“Hey!” Deran turned at the sound of Craig’s voice. Renn sat up slightly and made grabby motions until Craig handed her the cup of coffee clutched in his hand. He dropped a plastic bag of candy on the table next to her and crouched down next to Deran, his hand already reaching for the kid. Deran tried to pass him off but Craig just ran a finger down his cheek and stood back up. 

A moment later, a nurse appeared to take the baby. Deran passed him back to Renn and stepped outside to give them some space.

“Hey, man.” Craig’s voice was soft.

Deran turned and wrapped his brother in a hug. “Congratulations, man. Kid looks just like Renn.”

Craig snorted. “Thank god,” he agreed.

Deran thumbed over his shoulder. “I should let you guys rest or bond or whatever.”

Craig stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “I kinda lost it earlier and I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on and I wish you’d trust me but I understand if you got your own shit going.”

Deran swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat and nodded.

“Is everything okay?” Craig asked.

Deran started to nod but halfway through started shaking his head. “I can’t- I’m not going to bring this on you too, Craig. You’ve got a kid now, man.”

“This morning I didn’t have a kid. Why not tell me then?”

Deran looked away. “Adrian’s in some deep shit,” he confessed quietly. “I’m trying to get him out of it but it’s starting to look like I can’t.”

“Shit, Deran,” Craig cursed under his breath. “If you need help…”

Deran shook his head. “No. Thank you, but no. And please don’t ask anymore questions, okay? Just- just forget about it.”

Craig looked like he wanted to say something but instead he just nodded. “Okay.”

Deran nodded. “I should get home. Congrats again, man.”


	11. 4x10

It was technically late but still early by Cody party standards when Deran grabbed his arm and made some pathetic excuse to the group Adrian was talking to. Not a minute later they were in the scout and pulling out of the driveway. A few months ago, Adrian wouldn’t have thought anything of it but lately they’ve barely touched let alone escaped a party for one of their own.

“Deran?” He asked hesitantly as he drove. Adrian wasn’t sure where they were going - they’d missed the turn back to their place a few miles back. 

Deran didn’t say anything, his only reaction to tighten his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.

There was a strange tension in the air that Adrian couldn’t decipher. Deran was strung up tighter than he’d ever seen but his face was lined with what looked like fear. Adrian tried to squash his own fear, tried to accept his fate, but seeing Deran scared? Well that scared him.

Eventually Deran pulled to a stop on the edge of some deserted stretch of beach and turned the car off. He got out without a word, hadn’t said a word since the house even, and walked slowly towards the water.

Adrian waited a few minutes before following.

“What the hell’s going on, Deran?”

Deran didn’t reply for long enough that Adrian started to get angry. How dare he drag Adrian out here without a word?

“You gotta talk to Pearce,” Deran told him, his voice so low Adrian could barely make it out.

He froze. “What?” Surely, he heard Deran wrong.

Deran kicked at the sand, his eyes trained as his feet, before he took a deep breath and turned to face him. Looking at him head on, the fear was more pronounced. It was like his body was tense with the need to fight some big battle but Adrian wasn’t sure what it was. “Talk to Pearce,” he repeated, louder this time.

“Deran, you can’t be serious.”

Deran huffed and shook his head. “You were right. My family’s been pulling jobs for decades and it’s not fair that you have to go to jail because of one mistake while we get off free.”

“Deran-”

“Call Pearce. Set up a meeting. Tell him you’ll give him whatever he wants in exchange for no jail and a clean record.”

Adrian’s heart thudded loudly. “He wants _you_.”

“So give him me.”

“No.” The word was out before Adrian could even process it. Sure, he’d been angry that Deran and his family broke the law like it was breathing and never got caught but he wouldn’t switch places, not for anything. “I did this. I’ll pay for it.”

Deran shook his head. “Smurf knows. I don’t know how but she knows you talked to the Feds and that Pearce has been in touch. She wants me to take care of you.” His voice broke on his last words. Adrian paused, torn between two impulses. As much as he aches to comfort Deran right now, part of him wants to run very far away and forget the name Cody. Deran sniffed and cleared his throat. “And if I don’t, she’ll tell Pope.”

Adrian closed his eyes. He can’t lie, the idea that one day Pope Cody might come after him for some reason or another is one that has haunted his nightmares. It only got worse after the incident with Dave not to mention Deran’s insistence that Pope never find out.

“Do you think he-”

“Yes.” Deran closed his eyes. “I don’t know.” He paused. “I want to think that he loves me enough as his brother not to do that to me,” Adrian closed his eyes, “but protecting the family comes first for him. And if he honestly thinks you’re a threat, then-”

“I haven’t _said anything_ ,” Adrian protested.

“I know that,” Deran assured him. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. Smurf thinks you did and if she tells Pope then he’s not going to wait around for proof, okay? The idea of it is enough for them.”

Adrian laughed harshly. “So you’re solution is for me to do exactly what they think I already did?”

“Yes,” Deran spat. “Go to Pearce, get a clean slate and some fucking protection, and sing like a goddamn bird. Tell him everything.”

“I don’t know that much, Deran,” Adrian admittedly softly. “I very carefully do not know much.”

“So I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you whatever he wants to know.”

“Deran-”

“Just talk to him, Adrian!” 

“Deran, I can’t send you to prison.”

“Yes you can! And you will because it might be the only thing that will keep you alive. So you will do it.” Deran’s voice was ragged, his breathing harsh. Adrian could just see the shine of his eyes in the moonlight, tears welling up. “I can’t- I can’t let them-”

Adrian stepped in close to Deran and wrapped his arms around him for the first time in weeks. Deran sank into him instantly, his arms winding around his waist and holding him tight.

“Okay,” Adrian whispered. “On one condition.”

“Anything.”

Adrian held Deran’s head in his neck, unable to look at him. “You come with me. I’ll talk but I can’t sell you out, Deran. Besides, they’ll never believe I have enough information to take down Smurf, let alone Pope and J and-” He swallowed around Craig’s name. “You gotta come with me and make your own deal. If you want this to work, you have to be the one to talk.”

Deran tensed in his arms and tried to pull away. Adrian held tight for a beat before loosening his grip. Deran pulled back and stared at him. “I can’t.”

Adrian let out a breath. “I know.”

Deran cursed. “ _You_ have to do it!”

“Deran, I barely know enough concrete information about _you_ and the shit you pull to be worth anything to them. And once they realize that, I won’t be able to get any deal. If you really think this is the only way to- if this is it, it has to be you.”

Deran stared at him, his eyes wide in disbelief or surprise or denial, Adrian wasn’t sure. He shook his head, his mouth already open to deny it again when his phone chirped. Seemingly thankful for any interruption he practically ripped it out of his pocket and stared at it.

“Pope knows,” he confessed quietly. Adrian heard it like a gunshot. “He- he wants to talk through a _plan_.” Deran put the phone away and squared his shoulders. “Okay.”

Adrian blinked. “Okay?”

Deran nodded. “Call Pearce in the morning and set up a meeting. We’ll see what kind of deal we can get.”


	12. 4x11

Deran ran through his mental checklist one more time. They had the job tomorrow but then he’d have a few days wiggle room to get out of town before anyone noticed. The bar was covered for the rest of the week but he’d need to get someone to check in on it after that. Really, he just needed the passports from Craig and they were set.

He shoved open the door absently and made his way to the bedroom, his jacket halfway off before he even crossed the threshold. 

“What the fuck?” He stopped in his tracks, his arms stuck in the sleeves of his jacket as he froze at the destruction in front of him. The room was torn apart, drawers hanging open, clothes everywhere.

Deran shucked off the rest of his jacket as he crossed to his bedside table and yanked the door open. The small metal box he kept cash in was gone. “Adrian?!” He stood up and whirled around. He hadn’t seen the other man when he came in but he hadn’t been paying too much attention either. “Adrian!” He yelled again when there was no answer. 

“Deran.” Adrian’s voice was quiet. Deran spun on his heel and charged back into the living room, stopping when he saw Adrian in the open door to the deck. 

“Jesus Christ, don’t scare me like that,” he ordered gruffly. Adrian looked taken aback but Deran didn’t bother trying to decipher his face. “What the hell happened?”

Adrian just looked at him. When he didn’t answer, Deran threw his hands up in a clear question.

Adrian took a deep breath and stepped into the house. He left the door open behind him, Deran registered distantly. “I was packing.”

“Like this?” Deran’s eyes widened. “Jesus, you’ve gotta be more subtle.” Adrian quirked his head in question. “You can’t make it look like we packed in a hurry, it’s too suspicious.”

Adrian didn’t respond so Deran went back to the bedroom and started straightening up.

“We?” Adrian asked softly from the doorway. Deran glanced at him briefly before turning back to the clothes he was shoving into drawers.

“What?”

“You said we.” There was a strange tone in his voice that made Deran stand up and look at him. “ _We_?”

Deran ran over what he’d said. “Yeah?” He didn’t understand why Adrian was caught up on it.

“Why would _we_ be packing?”

“Why wouldn’t we? I told you you need to get out of here before Smurf kills you.”

“Right.” Adrian nodded, that strange look on his face. “Me. _I_ need to leave.”

“Yeah.” Deran agreed slowly.

“So why would you be packing? Some kind of cover story?”

Deran shook his head, his eyes narrowed his confusion. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re not making any sense.”

Adrian let out a short laugh and looked away, his foot scuffing the floor. “Can you just- have a straight forward conversation with me? I feel like we have these weird half conversations lately and I’m honestly just so confused. I have no idea what’s going on.”

Deran huffed. “What’s so confusing?”

“What is happening here?” Adrian asked. “Why are you talking about us packing?”

“Because you have to leave the country. Staying here isn’t safe anymore.”

“Right,” Adrian nodded again. “So tell me why you need to be packing.”

Deran stiffened. “Because I’m coming with you.” 

Adrian’s eyes widened in surprise and Deran felt it like a punch to the gut. Had he really thought-

“What did you think was happening?” Deran asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” Adrian half shrugged. “You tell me Smurf ordered you to kill me and that I need to leave before I end up dead and then you leave. I wasn’t sure what the hell that meant, honestly. For a little while I was terrified that you were going to do it.”

“Jesus Christ, Adrian, how could you think that?” Deran felt sick to his stomach.

“What am I supposed to think?” Adrian yelled. “You can barely stand to look at me anymore! Am I just supposed to assume that you wouldn’t hurt me? You’ve done it before!”

Deran flinched. “How could you think that I would-”

“I don’t,” Adrian cut him off. “I don’t, Deran. But I would be lying if I didn’t tell you the thought crossed my mind. Smurf gave you an order. When was the last time you disobeyed?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Have you ever?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Deran exploded. “I love you! I’m not gonna hurt you! And I’m not gonna let Pope or anyone else Smurf might send after you hurt you either.”

Adrian stared at him. “So what?”

“So I’ve got new passports coming to us soon, fake identities and everything. Pick a place and we’ll go, okay? I’ve got enough cash to set us up for a while.”

“What about the bar?”

Deran shrugged. “I’ve got Mark covering for the next week and I’ll get Craig or Pope to check in on it every once and a while.”

Adrian swallowed. “What about your family?”

“You’re my family,” Deran replied instantly. Adrian let out an aborted sob.

“Deran, you can’t just-”

“Why not?” Deran cut him off. “Adrian, she’ll kill you. And there’s only so much I can do to protect you at this point. What I can do is get us out of the country and keep us safe somewhere else. So that’s what we’re gonna do, okay?”

Adrian clenched his jaw. Deran waited for him to say something but the silence just stretched on.

“Adri-”

“Do I get a say?”

Deran blinked. “What?”

“You’ve just decided all of this. You’re giving up your life, your family, your _bar_. When did I get a say in any of this? You never even talked to me before setting up the rest of my life! What about Jess? With your brilliant plan, will I ever get to see her again?”

“Adrian the alternative is _your death_.”

Adrian shook his head. “I get that. I do. I understand the shit I am in but fuck Deran you don’t get to just decide all of this without even telling me let alone asking. This is my life we’re talking about.”

“Yeah and I’m trying to keep you alive to live it!” Deran started breathing heavier. “Fuck, Adrian, what do you want from me? I’m trying here, okay? I’m trying to keep you safe and-”

Adrian closed his eyes briefly before looking him dead in the eyes. “What do I want? I want my fucking boyfriend. I want the man I love to look at me for more than 10 seconds without flinching. I want to touch you and for you to touch me. I want- fuck Deran I told you I’m likely to spend the next 15 years in prison and you don’t even say anything? I needed _you_ not some bullshit plan to go after a Fed. What good is running away together if this is going to be our life? What’s the fucking point?”

Deran stared at him in surprise. He knew he’d been distant but it was just him trying to process. 

It was four steps from his spot by the dresser to the doorway where Adrian stood. 

Deran made it in three.

The fourth step pushed them both back into the door frame, the edge of it digging into Adrian’s back as Deran pressed himself firmly against him, their bodies aligned from knee to chest. He had Adrian’s head cradled in his hands and his lips on his and Deran felt alive for the first time in weeks. It only got better when Adrian wrapped his arms around Deran’s waist and pulled him in even tighter. 

“The point,” Deran gasped out when he pulled back for air, “is that my life ain’t worth shit without you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk it through with you but there’s a ticking clock and I didn’t want to waste any time, okay? I just- I need you alive and I need you safe and I want you with me.”

Adrian pressed his forehead to Deran’s, one of his hands trailing up his back to tangle in his hair. “Okay.”

“Okay? We’re doing this?”

“Yeah,” Adrian agreed softly. He leaned forward and captured Deran’s lips in another kiss. “I love you too, by the way.” He whispered right before their lips met.


	13. 4x11

The job had gone about as ape shit as a job could possibly go but it was done. 

It was done.

Craig straddled his bike and stared at Smurf’s house for a long time. Things were going to change now, and he had no idea how.

He turned towards Deran as his brother tossed a bag into the back of the Scout with a grunt. He’d gotten even more banged up on the job but his face was set. Craig honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Deran so determined about something.

He just wished he knew what it was.

Craig sighed and threw his leg back over the bike, his hand already rummaging in his jacket for the envelope that had been waiting for him when he got back.

“Hey, man,” he greeted softly as he rounded the Scout. Deran paused, one foot already in the car. Craig thrust the envelope towards him. 

Deran slowly turned to face him, his hand shaking slightly as he took the envelope from Craig. He opened it and slid the new passports out. Craig watched his face as he flipped through them to check that they were good.

“Thank you,” Deran said softly when he slid them back in the envelope.

“You’re not coming back, are you?” Craig asked, his voice just as quiet.

Deran froze briefly before shaking his head. It was a quick back and forth but Craig got the gist.

“Because of the cops?” Craig asked, a bit helplessly. “We could figure something out, Deran.”

Deran swallowed hard and stared at him. He seemed to be looking for something but whatever it was he didn’t find it. He just shook his head. “I need him safe, Craig. I need- I need him.” Deran looked away from him. “I can’t let anything happen to him, okay? And this is the only option left.”

“What about the bar?” Craig asked. “That place is your baby.”

Deran was shaking his head before he even finished. “It doesn’t mean anything, none of it means anything if I lose him.”

Craig wanted to argue more but he could see from the set of his shoulders and the squaring of his jaw that Deran’s mind was made up. He took a step forward and pulled Deran into a hug. “Don’t leave without saying goodbye, yeah?”

Deran hugged him tight. “I won’t. I promise.”


	14. 4x12

“Deran?” Adrian said again, softer this time. He eased onto the couch slowly, trying not to disturb the other man.

Deran’s face was terrifyingly blank. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

“What happened?” He asked, his hand reaching up to card through the hair at the base of Deran’s skull. “Craig?”

Deran shook his head slightly. “Smurf.” It was barely a whisper but Adrian heard it loud and clear. Something eased in his chest, some tension he’d been holding on to just let go. 

He wanted to ask how it happened but he knew now wasn’t the time. Deran didn’t say anything else so neither did Adrian. They sat there silently, Adrian stroking Deran’s hair while the man stared out the glass door at the ocean.

“She’s-” Deran couldn’t finish the thought. “She’s really-”

Adrian closed his eyes briefly and shifted closer. His free hand hovered awkwardly in front of Deran, unsure of where he should put it. Deran didn’t seem to notice so Adrian cupped his jaw and gently turned his head.

“What do you need?” 

Deran stared at him blankly, as if he wasn’t really seeing him. He started to shake his head when the tears welled up in his eyes. As the first tear spilled over, his body went limp. He crumpled in Adrian’s arms.

Adrian kept a hand on the back of his head but moved the other one to circle his back. Carefully, he eased backwards until he was lying on his back with Deran in his arms.

“She’s gone,” Deran whispered after a while. His voice had an odd tone, like he couldn’t quite believe it. Adrian sympathized, he’d sort of always thought of Smurf as this all knowing, all powerful being that was too damn stubborn to ever die. Guess he was only right on two counts. “My mom is-”

Adrian pressed his lips to the crown of Deran’s head and let him cry it out. Smurf had never been the greatest mother but she was the only mother Deran had ever known and there just weren’t words for a moment like this.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to need them. Slowly, Deran calmed down until his cheeks were dry and his body tensed. He pressed a kiss to Adrian’s chest, the only part of Adrian he could reach without moving.

“We’re going someplace far away where shit like this never happens,” he promised. “Just us and a fresh start.”


	15. 4x13

In the end it took time. 

It was 3 hours before Deran dug up Adrian’s old email and tell him he was sorry.

It took 5 months for Adrian to answer, saying he’d been wrong about what he said to Deran on the pier.

A year to the day after Deran watched Adrian walk away from him and didn’t follow, he picked up the phone and called. If anyone but Adrian ever asked, he’d deny it to his dying breath, but there were tears in his eyes when Adrian answered. Nothing had ever sounded so sweet as Adrian’s voice in that moment.

In the end, though, it was two years, four months, and seven days before Deran’s world made sense again.

“Hey boss!” Jemma, the new bartender, yelled as Deran stomped into the bar. “You got a visitor in your office.”

“Who is it?” Deran growled.

Jemma shrugged. “He said he was an old friend. Didn’t give a name.” Deran shook his head. One of these days he was going to get it through his employee’s thick skulls that his office wasn’t a free for all.

“Who the fu-” Deran asked as he burst through the door only to freeze when he saw the man standing at his desk.

His hair was longer, his skin tanner, and he had his back to Deran but it was unmistakably Adrian.

“Adrian,” Deran breathed as he closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here?” Adrian turned around and smiled, his face lighting up at the sight of Deran. “You can’t- if the cops find out-”

“It’s all good,” Adrian cut him off. He grabbed an envelope from Deran’s desk and held it out. “Turns out you’ve been a miserable shit without me.” 

Deran stared at the envelope but didn’t take it. After a while, Adrian started shaking it but Deran couldn’t move. “What are you doing here?”

Adrian pulled his hand back. “I can leave if you’d pref-”

“No,” Deran took a step forward, like he ready to stop Adrian if he so much as looked like was going to move. “Don’t leave. I just- what?”

Adrian took pity on him and opened the envelope. First, he passed a blank sheet with a handwritten note.

_Now you can stop being a miserable shit and smile dammit_

It was Craig’s handwriting but Deran didn’t understand. The next sheet of paper was actually a packet, the DEA logo printed across the top. Deran looked at Adrian but Adrian just looked at the papers in his hand so Deran started reading.

He didn’t understand the legalese so much but the bit where Adrian was sentenced with probation in exchange for his ‘invaluable’ assistance in leading to the apprehension of 11 known drug traffickers was pretty easy to understand.

“What is this?”

Adrian shrugged, a smile tugging at his lips. “Ask your nephew.”

“ _J?”_

“Craig called me a few months ago, I guess he stole your phone to get my number, and he said that he, Pope, and J were working on a way to clear my name.” Adrian gently took the papers out of Deran’s hands. “They wanted it to be a surprise and I guess I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up so we didn’t mention it after that.” He held up the papers briefly before dropping them on the desk. “They sent me those a few days ago and I got on the first plane. I was going to go to the house but Craig said you don’t live there anymore.”

“You weren’t there, how could I-” Deran stared at the papers, unable to process what Adrian was telling me.

“Anyway,” Adrian continued. “According to my probation I’m not allowed to leave Oceanside for the next 12 months. Know a place I could stay?”

Deran stared at him. “You’re not going to prison.”

“No,” Adrian assured him softly. His fingers twitched like he wanted to reach for Deran but he didn’t move.

“You’re staying here.”

“Yes.”

Deran moved first, he knew that because Adrian had already made the grand gesture and it was his turn to step up, but Adrian met him halfway. 

When they broke apart, Deran kept Adrian close, their foreheads pressed together.

“Welcome home.”


	16. 4x13

“What are you doing here?” Pope cornered Deran after the job.

“Going to work,” Deran stepped around Pope to go his car. Pope grabbed him by the elbow to stop him.

“Why aren’t you with Adrian?”

Deran closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that just kept coming every time he had half a second and his thoughts turned to Adrian. “He’s safe. That’s all that matters.”

“Bullshit,” Pope spit out and Deran flinched, yanking his arm away.

“He’s _safe,_ ” Deran repeated. 

“What about you?”

“What about me?” Deran asked bitterly as he backed away. “I’m here with my family.”

“Adrian’s your family,” Pope reminded him and Deran had to look away before the tears fell. “Why didn’t you go with him? That’s where you should be.”

“I can’t leave all of you. Not now.”

“Who cares about us?”

“What’s going on?” Craig asked warily as he joined them in the garage.

“Deran didn’t leave with Adrian,” Pope told him, as if this was news.

Craig glanced between his brothers. “Yeah, I know. But we’re family. We need him here. He got Adrian out of the country and he’s safe.”

Pope rolled his eyes at him and turned to Deran. “You don’t want to leave forever? I think you’re an idiot but whatever. You should still go to him. You know where he is, go visit and come back.”

Deran wanted to laugh but he thought it might come out as a sob so he held it back. “It’s not that easy, Pope.”

“Make it that easy. I got nothing outside of this family. You do. Don’t give up on it.” Pope scoffed. “You have the passport and you have the money. Just go.” He was gone before Deran could object again.

“He’s not wrong, dude,” Craig chimed in. Deran wanted to scream. “I don’t want you to leave forever but a vacation wouldn’t kill you.”

“He said I was the worst thing to ever happen to him,” Deran whispered.

“Shit.”

“I can’t- I can’t just _go_. Not after I stayed. Not after he be-” Deran stopped and shook his head. “I can’t.”

-

He was an idiot. He was a goddamn fucking moron who let Pope and Craig talk him into this stupid shit.

This was a bad idea. Awful even.

What’s worse than watching the love of your life walk away? Chasing after him only for him to tell you to get lost.

Of course, Deran hadn’t actually seen Adrian yet but he knew how that conversation would go. He’d still gotten on the plane, though. He’d still tracked down Adrian’s address and was in an overpriced, under air conditioned taxi en route.

The shack was older and a bit rundown but it didn’t look too bad. There was a surfboard propped up against the side of it, a wet suit drying out next to it.

Deran stood outside for a long while, trying to will himself to knock on the door.

In the end, he didn’t get to before it was being pulled open from the inside. “Deran?” Adrian was breathless with disbelief. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you.”

A pause. And then the door opened further. 


	17. 4x13

He’d forgotten he had an email honestly. There was one set up for the bar to handle business related stuff but he forgot he had one of his own.

Adrian didn’t.

He must have set up Deran’s phone to alert him to new emails before he left. Before he knew Deran wasn’t coming with him.

Two months after Deran watched Adrian walk away from him, two months after Deran chose Adrian’s safety over his own happiness, his phone pinged with a new email.

It was from Adrian.

_I wasn’t lying and I wasnt wrong. You are the worst thing that ever happened to me. Because of you I’ll never see Jess or my mom again. I’ll never see my friends again. Everything and everyone I’ve ever known is gone and that’s on you._

_So no it wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the whole truth either._

_The whole truth is that you may have been the worst thing to ever happen to me, Deran, but you’re also the best. I love you. I’ve always loved you and I will always love you and nothing and no one could ever make me regret that or make me regret being with you._

_I miss my sister._

_I miss Oceanside_.

_I miss our home._

_I miss you_.


End file.
